


Trust and Denial

by lotsofoctopi



Category: Fallout 4
Genre: Dissociation, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, but mostly just support for each other, doesn't quite follow game storyline, processing piece for me, tiny bit of flirting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-13
Updated: 2016-04-13
Packaged: 2018-06-02 00:49:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6543721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lotsofoctopi/pseuds/lotsofoctopi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Unaware of her thoughts, Paladin Danse spoke, “I’m also glad to hear you feel so comfortable around me, Knight Mellick. The feeling’s mutual. It’s been a long time since I’ve had someone I can confide in here, but you’ve proven to me that you can keep your feelings and the task at hand separate.”<br/><br/>His smile was echoed in the tone of his words. They were warm, trusting. But instead of making her feel good, like they should have, they brought forth bitterness. So Elisabeth let out a soft laugh of her own at herself.<br/><br/>“Came with the job description back then. Compartmentalizing, we called it.” In this case it might have been more correct to call it denial though. But now it was time to come out with it, to actually trust him like she said she did, like he so obviously did her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Trust and Denial

**Author's Note:**

> Elisabeth actually pairs with another sole that may show up in other writings, we'll see...

 

Elisabeth stared into the fire from her spot on the rotting log, her mind constantly in flux. She and Paladin Danse had been traveling together for some time now--ever since he had been named her commanding officer and she a Knight of the Brotherhood of Steel--and the two of them had been working on getting into the Institute for what felt like months. And now, that the two of them had made their way out of what used to be Nordham County, now the so-called ‘Glowing Sea,’ into safer territory.  But seeing the nuclear crater, what was left of the homes, the people she worked with, and how the world had ended like this, it was hard, damn hard not to open up to him. Tell him more about who she was before all of this. 

Tell him about how much it had changed her.

Sure, at this point Danse knew about how she was a lawyer, that she had been married, that her husband was dead and that she was on the hunt for her son. Just like at this point she knew he was an orphan, had grown up in a place called Rivet City, his best and only friend was named Cutler. She knew that they had gone into the Brotherhood together and had been in the same squad only for Cutler to be infected with the Super Mutant virus, that Danse had felt it was his duty to put Cutler down. She knew that he needed his team as much as they needed him, that he couldn’t talk about his own feelings without having to hide it somehow, like when he had told her about Haylen, like when he responded to her flirtatious words with put offs and short cut sentences, like--

That was when it occurred to her. Elisabeth hadn’t shared nearly as much as the closed off Paladin did. After all, she knew all of this about him, and what did he know about her? They were all things he could have easily read just from hacking a couple of Vault-Tec computers.  It had become second nature to hide all of her feelings, her thoughts, herself from the outside world and now it made her feel like a monster. 

Her deep brown eyes glanced across the fire to her companion and she caught his gaze in return. Elisabeth only managed the barest edge of a smile before he quickly brought his attention back down to the fire himself. Even though it had been brief, Elisabeth could tell Danse had been watching her, almost as if he knew what was on her mind. His broad shoulders were tight, his brow furrowed and his lips were set in their usual line as he tried to find a comfortable position leaning against the stump he had found. It was unusual to see him outside of his power armor these days, it always felt like they were on the road, but tonight they had found a safe enough spot that he had left his just on the edge of the firelight. Elisabeth’s cobbled together armor sat as neatly as it could next to his, both bearing the emblem of the Brotherhood. He had told her recently she was a fine Knight and that he was proud to be her commanding officer--it was all she could do to paint on the insignia the next time they had taken an afternoon in civilization. 

The problem here wasn’t the dark haired woman’s lack of emotion. No, the problem was she had too much of it, so she had bottled it up. What good soldier let his emotions get the best of him on the field? 

Not a living one, that was for sure.

Still, as she bent down to grab the stick they had been using to turn the logs, she considered it. He might be waiting for her to do the same. They had been brothers at arms for a month now, and she had been traveling alone with Dogmeat before that. Maybe it was time she let herself… feel. 

Elisabeth used the forked end of their improvised poker to turn the burning log, letting the wood and coal crackle, then the fire rise before she spoke. 

“Paladin, I am glad to have you here with me. Those first few months, when it was just Dogmeat and me…” Her voice was quiet, even to herself, and the shame that burrowed into the pit of her stomach made it impossible to maintain eye contact once his attention was on her.  “Well, it’s nice to be able to trust.” With that, the Knight found herself pushing her overgrown fringe behind her ear, hoping that it would either work to distract her or if nothing else, finally stay out of the way. God, she needed to get back to Vault 81--or maybe Diamond City, although the last time she had been there, the detective was out.

The sure rumble of Danse’s voice made her look back up, and she noted his quirked eyebrow. “I thought that’s exactly what dogs were for. Couldn’t you trust him?”

What passed her lips in response was sardonic, “People and animals are different. You know that.” It wasn’t that she didn’t trust the dog, in fact, he was probably exactly what Elisabeth needed when she first got out of that vault. God knew she couldn’t handle Codsworth, not after he kept on bringing up Nate and Shaun, and Preston’s presence felt like a weight. Being given charge of a group for the people when she could barely make it herself felt laughable. But after a while not having conversations or worse, having one sided ones, became stifling. She needed someone and by that time the Brotherhood had come into town. Danse introduced her to Maxson and she was placed under his command. When he offered to go out looking with her, Elisabeth had to say yes. 

But being sarcastic wasn’t going to get her where she needed. She was avoiding opening up again. 

The dark haired woman closed her eyes and took a deep breath before continuing,  “There’s a relationship between people that isn’t possible between an animal and it’s master. A relationship between commanding officer and subordinate that can’t happen without…” Helplessly, she gestured between them, “This.” 

She watched the corners of his lips lift in a little smile in response and that was when it all hit her like a fucking brick wall. 

How she could have been coming home early from the firm in her designer pumps and dresses, Codsworth busy in the kitchen but he’d save the finishing touches on the roast for her. How she’d get that kiss on the cheek and the swat on the behind while she tied on her apron from Nate. How Danse would have been one of Nate’s army buddies and he would have been invited home for dinners with the rest of the boys. How they all would have laughed as Danse and Nate talked about the good old times in the barracks together and not the time spent out on the field. How Danse could tell her stories for hours on end and they could debate the good she did with her job and he with his. How she could show off the pride and joy of their lives, Shaun, and how they’d all coo over drinks. How not a goddamn piece of that was real and her job had destroyed her morality and she had fucked her husband’s real war buddy and now Nate was a corpse rotting in the hellhole of the project that left her alive and taken the son she had wanted so badly only to hate so much after he had been born. That she wandered the wastelands of her own personal hell to find Shaun and maybe love him like he deserved. 

That, God forgive her, she was lonely.

And that when Danse smiled like that, gave her that kind of look, he reminded her of what it had once felt like with Nate.

Unaware of her thoughts, the Paladin spoke, “I’m also glad to hear you feel so comfortable around me, Knight Mellick. The feeling’s mutual. It’s been a long time since I’ve had someone I can confide in here, but you’ve proven to me that you can keep your feelings and the task at hand separate.” 

His smile was echoed in the tone of his words. They were warm, trusting. But instead of making her feel good, like they should have, they brought forth bitterness. So Elisabeth let out a soft laugh of her own at herself.

“Came with the job description back then. Compartmentalizing, we called it.” In this case it might have been more correct to call it denial though. But now it was time to come out with it, to actually trust him like she said she did, like he so obviously did her. She swallowed, finally dropping her improvised poker and leaning back onto the log she was seated on as she continued, “May I tell you something, Paladin? Off the record?” 

“Of course.”

His simple answer seemed to make it that much harder and she forewent even attempting to meet his eye. Instead, she looked skyward, studying the hundreds of thousands of stars she never could see before.

This wasn’t just going to be hard, this was going to be the most difficult thing she had done since she’d thawed from the cryo chamber. It wasn’t about her survival--that she had learned to fight for ever since the first shot had grazed her in Concord--it was about what she wanted. And that had become a commodity out here in the wastes. 

It took her a long time to find the right words, and the crackling fire was the only noise for much longer than she had intended it to be.  But when she heard him breathe in to say something, she closed her eyes and bit the bullet.

“I’m not… ‘Elisabeth.’”

“What?” This time, Danse’s tone was harsh and the Knight’s eyes flashed open to find his. “What do you mean?” 

She watched the possible explanations he came up with cross his face as plain as day. He was wrestling with the thought of her being a synth before she could even speak again and it caused her to raise her palms to him in supplication, “I mean to say ‘Elisabeth’ isn’t--wasn’t my name two hundred years ago.” Saying it aloud made the loneliness feel that much stronger, and she lowered her arms only to wrap them around herself as she continued, “I was born Nora.” 

The word tasted weird now. It wasn’t her name anymore, she wasn’t the same woman she was then. Nora was gone, replaced by Elisabeth. And Elisabeth wasn’t sure how she felt about it. 

He tried again to speak, but she still hadn’t said her piece. “Please, let me finish, Danse. I need to tell someone. I need you to listen. Just… please.” 

There, she had started it. Now it was up to him whether or not she really would let it all out. It was terrifying to be this vulnerable. It felt like she was in front of that first Deathclaw all over again, except this time she was naked, armed with nothing, counting only on the unknown to save her. She had left the armor and minigun out there, but would someone take it up? Unconsciously, Elisabeth chewed on her lower lip until he finally responded.

“All right. I’m sorry, I’m listening.” The Paladin’s deep voice pulled her out of her head, enough that she looked up at him and loosened the hold she had on herself. He wasn’t all the way comfortable, but he was going to be there for her and it showed in the line of his brow, the way he held his head, the look in his eyes. The Knight could appreciate it, knowing he was rarely out of control, that he rarely found a situation he didn’t know what to do in. She found herself feeling similarly.

But she talked. She told him that Elisabeth had been the name she had wanted for a girl, that she hadn’t known whether or not to trust the Minutemen when she met them and that it was the first thing that popped into her head and now it was who she was. She told him how she defended killers for money in a court of law, knowing full well she was letting a murderer back onto the streets. She told him about being woken up by Nate screaming in bed from his days spent away at war and not knowing how to comfort him. She told him about how Nate and she had tried for months for a baby and how happy they had been when she found out. She told him how she didn’t love Shaun the way she thought she would and that she had found comfort in someone else. She told him that Nate had caught them at it, that they were trying to fix their marriage when the bombs fell. She told him that she was scared Shaun would hate her, or worse, that he would love her and she still couldn’t reciprocate. And he just listened. He didn’t offer any words of advice, he didn’t try to tell her to stop. When the fire started to die down, Danse would simply place another log onto the fire and nod at her when he was done so she would continue. It wasn’t until Elisabeth had stopped for a while, silent and rolling everything over in her head that he even tried to speak. 

When he did, his voice was quiet and even, his words deliberate, “We’ve all made mistakes in our lives. You may have been ripped out of your time but it wasn’t because it’s a punishment. This is your chance to change.” The Paladin paused there, his own dark eyes meeting hers from across the dying fire. “What you’ve lived through is what defines who you are, not what decides it.”

It was funny how much his words both hurt and freed her. It felt good, really good to say everything she had kept locked up for so long. It had felt just as good that he was willing to listen--and had listened to all of it. But at the same time, it hurt because of how much it sounded like something Nate would have said to her. It hurt to know how much of Nate she saw in him. But Danse was right. She could see this as a chance at another try. A sick, messed up restart to where she had gone wrong before. After all, she wasn’t old, but only God knew how long she’d live in the land she’d come to. 

Maybe it was time to give herself another go at it, without all of the guilt.

Elisabeth smiled a tight smile back and pushed herself up so she could stand. “I hope so, Danse. I really do.” Once standing, she glanced at her Pipboy for the time, then at the sky. It was just past midnight and the stars were at their brightest. She stared at them for a long moment before bringing her attention back to Earth and her gaze fell to the Paladin still sitting on the ground. He was watching her intently, she could tell by how straight his posture was, how he hadn’t moved since he’d spoken. 

This time, Elisabeth gave him a real smile as she stepped over to his side, settling down against the stump next to him, her eyes on his. “I’m going to try to be a Knight you can continue to be proud of.”

He adjusted himself a bit to allow for a little space, but smiled in return. “You’re more than that. You’re a friend I’m proud of.”

Normally she would have pushed it, joked, maybe even flirted a little, but it felt wrong after all of this. Instead, Elisabeth felt her smile grow, and she leaned forward to plant a kiss on his cheek, her hand finding his and twining their fingers. He didn’t pull away like she thought he would, actually letting his own larger hand relax against her smaller one, and she took the opportunity to lay her head against his shoulder.

“Thank you.” She whispered, letting her eyes close and taking a deep breath in. 

He didn’t respond, but she could have sworn she felt his fingers tighten as she let that breath out.  
  
  



End file.
